Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

Have you ever watched a movie and wondered, what the fuck did I just watch?  Did I really waste an hour and a half of my life on something, and still not comprehend what I just saw?  Well, I have, and on too many occasions.  The latest WTF movie I viewed, was Slaughtered Vomit Dolls.  The movie is about a teenage runaway that suffers from bulimia.  She's a stripper, but also turns tricks on the side to make ends meet.  As her bulimia worsens, she begins to hallucinate, and have visions of her co-workers dying.   Interesting concept, and with the right execution, it might work, but unfortunately for Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, it doesn't.  This movie has no real plot and it jumps all over the place.  There is no consistency at all, which almost makes this one, un-watchable.

Bottom Line: A movie with potential, that never gets to the point.  A movie that will keep you guessing in a bad way, because you never know wha tthe fuck is going on.

-Ragman couldn't rip this on out of the DVD player fast enough.

Hate Crime

Let's face it, The Blair Witch Project, pretty much created a new way to shoot movies.  The realism of someone behind a camera chronicling horrific events, kinda works, and has for several motion pictures.  The unfortunate thing, is that once something hits, then all of the copy catters come out in droves to cash in on the new hot thing.  Fortunately, not all of the copy catter creations come out like shit, but there is still a fair amount that do.  Hate Crime is one of the latest films to come out of this craze, and hopefully it won't suck.

Hate Crime is about a family which has just moved into a new home, and is celebrating their youngest sons birthday.  Of course, they are filming the whole thing.  Wouldn't you, if it were your kid?  Well not long after the festivities commence, things go south, when a band of neo-nazi rapist's break in to the house to join the party.  Who invited these guys?  Not sure, but one thing I do know is that they are pissed off and they are ready to fuck things up.  Sounds good, doesn't it?  Unfortunately, my words are better than the movie. 

The acting in this movie is horrible and comes off very non convincing.  There are some entertaining and disturbing parts, but they are few and far between.  Actually, the trailer made this one look awesome, but the end result was a major let down.  The movie starts off interesting, but after a few minutes, I became bored and couldn't hit the FF button quick enough.  Unfortunately, with this one, the premise was much better than the final product.  It just drug on and on, to a point that I had to hit myself to stay awake.  It is ashame I have to be so harsh, because I was expecting so much more.  Unfortunately, all I was left with, was a full bottle of disappointment.

Bottom Line: Reallity style horror flick, that comes off totally unbelievable.

-Ragman is going to use this one for his new sleep aid.  Time to throw the Quil, in the trash.

Bloody Hammers - Under Satan's Sun

Bloody Hammers know how to capture that groovy occult horror vibe from the 70s, as demonstrated by this awesome poster cover.If nothing else, you've got to admit that North Carolinians Bloody Hammers don't slack. Having formed in 2012, they've released a full-length album every year, bringing us to their third, Under Satan's Sun. And their Sabbath-y, bottom-heavy groove is perfectly augmented by the Southern rock tempos you might expect out of Asheville. Throw in the occult/horror vibe of classic 70s films like Suspiria or The Wicker Man and you're on to something.

Ringleader, Anders Manga embodies the tone of the band completely, his victorian top hat crowning his 'chicken-fried gothic' look. His voice even fits the music well, sounding eerily like a long lost brother of the late Peter Steele. But what matters is that the music has a sound all its own, fitting amongst the scads of other retro bands without sounding like a group of bandwagon hoppers. This is a band tailor-made for the costume party to end all costume parties next Halloween. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll never sounded so cool.

The album is laid out like a horror movie, but it's not necessarily a concept record. The bass is quite prominent on pretty much every track, as if the band was playing in the belly of some great beast. There's a definite Southern rock groove to it, with some cool surf beats thrown in as on The Last Alarm. It all conjures up images of demonic go-go girls gyrating in bone cages while Anders glares at you from under the brim of his hat. Seriously, the music is cool, but the atmosphere is almost another band member in itself. Retro-rockers should definitely check this out.

The Bottom Line: Bloody Hammers knows what sound it's going for and hits the mark perfectly. While the retro train may be getting a little over-crowded, there's always room for those that innovate rather than imitate. So rock on, you groovy ghoulies.

Tracks To Crank While Chatting Up Hot Hippie Chicks At Your Next Kegger: Death Does Us Part, The Moon-Eyed People, Under Satan's Sun and Dead Man's Shadow On The Wall

- Genghis really wants to watch some Groovy Ghoulies now...

The Lost Empire

You ever wonder what happened to happened, to all of those quirky movies, from the 80's?  I do, so I jump at the chance, when I have an opportunity to review them, especially if they include the "Tall Man", Angus Scrim.  The Lost Empire is a cross between Charlie's Angels and Enter the Dragon.  The movie is about a lady cop, who's brother is killed by a band of star chunking ninja's.  As she vows here revenge, she discovers that the main source behind her brother's death, is an evil doctor named Sin Do (Scrim).  Once she figures this out, she enlists a few other women, and off they go to Dr. Sin Do's island, for a competition, ala Enter the Dragon.  From there, you'll have to watch to find out what happens.  This one was fun and very entertaining.  The acting is good and there is lots of action and comedy to keep the viewer entertained.

 

Bottom Line: An 80's relic, dusted off and brought into the new millennium.  All I can say is Charlie's Angels meets Enter the Dragon.

-Ragman was entertained by this one. 

Metal Inquisitor - Ultima Ratio Regis

This guy looks like Sauron going for an evening run. Wow, I wonder how many album covers Tolkien single-handedly inspired...Fans of classic NWOBHM-style tunes may already know of Metal Inquisitor and their commitment to that sound. And with their fourth studio release, Ultima Ratio Regis, that commitment rocks on with tunes that pay glorious homage to the heyday of such legendary acts as Judas Priest, Iron Maiden and Saxon.

Something that's both a blessing and a curse for this German band is how well they do what they do. If you try to sound like a classic NWOBHM band and stink at it, you end up being laughed at or, worse, ignored. But ironically, if you do it as well as these cats do, you face the possibility of being ignored as well; lost in the shuffle as if you were one of those countless bands from "back in the day". But there's real talent here, as you can't ignore the skill it takes to define your target and hit it with such pinpoint accuracy. It would be much easier to claim your influences by the aforementioned legends and add the usual modern fretboard wankery or genre-bending twist to it that so many bands do now as a given, losing the purity of the source material.

Ultima Ratio Regis (Latin for "the king's final argument", which used to be inscribed on Spanish cannons) succeeds by the band knowing precisely where it wanted to go and refusing to deviate for the sake of some imagined obligation to innovation for innovation's sake. And I'm happy to give a hearty horns up to that. Rock on, motherfuckers.

The Bottom Line: Metal Inquisitor eschews today's trends of mixing genres and the heresy of digital studio wizardy, instead opting to walk the path of the metal gods before them. So what do we call this, The New Wave of The New Wave of British Heavy Metal? Fair enough, just keep playing!

Tracks To Play While Patching The Holes In Your [Vintage] Denim Jacket: All of them

- Genghis really wants to go back in time to the classic concerts of his youth...